what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
