hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
