her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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