Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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