apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
