I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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