she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
