I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
