I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
