Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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