There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
