The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't deserve a penis
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize