I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you bring me the toilet please
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
