I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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