I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
