My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Damn victory sex feels great
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
