I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We talked him into tasing himself.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
