Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
