i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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