Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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