Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
