I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
