I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
