: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
