I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
