I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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