I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
