Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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