I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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