there's paper in my vomit.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
