Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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