Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
