she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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