so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
