her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
