got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
