you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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