So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
