Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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