people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
