I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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