i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So much rum. So many feels.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
