you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
