if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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