oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
