im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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