A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
