If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Shame - the story of my life.
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