If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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