He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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