i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
