At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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