Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
