I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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