If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
