He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
