false alarm. still invincible.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
