Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
