dude i'm inner monologue high
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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