Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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