Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When are your genitals available?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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