Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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