I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my poor anus
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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