Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
