I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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