you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
