got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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