There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
