Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
