ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
