Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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